I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI