No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
kids play hide and seek like
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.