#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
🍞🦆
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.