A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination