*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.