“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.