My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me irl
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem