I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
May never get over this
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time