Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A classic…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.