Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.