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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Had to try this trend 😊
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.