finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Dietest Coke
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May