There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Still a very good boi….
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business