I am laughing way too hard at this.
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So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.