my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Spa day..😅
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet