The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.