I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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What a chick magnet..
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”