Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*