In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
tis the season
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.