[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
October already? What’s next? November????
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL