I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I can’t wait!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks