ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what