Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?