Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.