The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Customer is always right
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.