My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
You Might Also Like
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m sure it’s fine.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.