I feel seen
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart