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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
work smarter, not harder
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Not today.. 😂
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?