Finally, an explanation.
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
fourth time’s the charm
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.