this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Jupiter
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.