[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
the saddest jazz hands ever
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.