VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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oppen heimer style lol
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?