Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
respect
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.