Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did