exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Never go to sleep after making me angry
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.