[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Never forget.