I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
i actually laughed 😩
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.