No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Black Friday “markdowns” like
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: