Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate