People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Always 🥴
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
When the stylist spins you back around
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.