No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.