I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.