“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life