My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You Might Also Like
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
😂😂
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.