[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You Might Also Like
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.