*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy