me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.