My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.