Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
You Might Also Like
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Every house has this drawer
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face