*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?